Safety in Chemistry

This is the reason Chemistry is such a great subject to learn about:



DON'T DO THIS

And be sure to DIGG THIS.

I kill myself in this food review.

Guess what this is...

World's Largest Hush Puppy? - No.

Deep Fried Corn Bread? - No.

World's Largest Tumor? - No.

This my friends...

Deep Fried White Castle

Price: $4.50
Obesity: A+
Sanitary: C-
Beef: D
Chance at Heart Attack: 99%
Tomatometer : 44% (ROTTEN)
Final Score: 4/5



When I first took a bite out of this I thought "Okay I am going to die". It turns out - I did not die. But I could get a peptic ulcer any day now - it was loaded with grease! When I took a bite, my mouth was dripping with vegetable oil, they did not even clean the oil, so it tasted like french fries and chicken. It was single handedly one of the strangest and grossest foods I have ever had.

It is not for the faint of heart (or those who wish their heart could faint) - It was nasty, and I would not wish this upon anybody. It is a death sentence to try and eat one of these.

It was still pretty damn tasty, pretty much metokur, but overall pretty good four of of five stars.

FOOD REVIEW - Chocolate Covered Bacon

Price: $5.00
Strips: 3
Saturated Fat: Tons
Chocolate : Milk Chocolate
Final Verdict: 0/5

I was curious about chocolate covered bacon, because Drew Carey from the price is right was twittering about this. At first I thought this would be a dream come true - bacon for dessert. What ultimately happened wasn't so pleasant. THEY DID NOT EVEN COOK THE BACON. When I took the first bite I was eating a cold chocolate covered piece of jerkey - it was that tough. The chocolate part was good, but the bacon part was nasty man. It was not as salty as a chocolate covered pretzel, but it had a godawful aftertaste like pocky. Only difference is that Pocky is tolerable. I threw away after eating one of the slices.

Next Time - COOK THE FUCKING BACON, THEN COVER IT IN BACON

Zero out of 5

YOUR DEGREE SUCKS - Music.

Music

Just like it's cousin Art, Music is another major that is based on talent or useless information. When I was in High School, our music department was the most well known in all of the district. When I was in college, our music department was just another section of the college that only pretentious assholes go because they want to play music for a living.

Music is only different in Art in one way - one rapes your eyes, while the other rapes your ears. People playing tubas and clarinets in different tones damage the ears way more than someone's ceramic pot that looks like a dildo. Music majors also love to believe they are talented in the music that they play, when only they are pretty damn terrible at everything - including the triangle.

I will be honest, I can not "read music". I did not know what a Treble Cleft was until I looked it up on Google. I don't know what the hell "doe a dear, a female deer" goes in the realm of music, nor do I understand why Choruses always suck. Music classes did not change my perspective on the subject, and instead caused more hatred towards this major.

You also have to learn about "Classical Music", but lets face it - there will never be a Beethoven of our generation, times have changed severely. We are now in the "Rock Generation" where people want to pretend to be like Led Zeppelin or The Beatles. And if they can't - they always can play Guitar Hero and get the same feeling.

If you are a composer - you are now only going to be recognized for making soundtracks for television, movies and video games. No one gives a fuck about Bach when you have John Williams play the theme to "Jurassic Park". Fuck listening to Mozart's Symphony when I can listen to the kick ass soundtrack to Halo 3 ODST.

Unfortunately not that many colleges honor the current music, and if they do they call it "Contemporary Music". I think "Contemporary" is a way of describing Ottomans and Grandfather Clocks - not music. I wonder how long it will take before any Music Major will have an entire semester on Rap and Hip Hop music.

Music majors have to study music by guessing who composed what song. Meanwhile, they must fully understand all 88 keys on a piano and be able to recognize the difference between a C note and a C sharp. Once they are done with college and they have gotten their music degree, they can either attempt a job at the Philharmonic, which is all volunteers (so no pay). Or they can be a "certified" music teacher, and go to people's homes and tell them how much they suck at playing the violin, even though they are not any better. But because they have the degree in music, they are obviously better than you.

The final thing I must mention is of course the "Band Geeks", they don't play in the symphony at the college, but rather the militarized world of "Marching Band". All must stare in front of them in a straight line in perfect order. While the most autistic looking person at the school, starts to drum in the line. They all start marching in order while playing typical music and fight songs. Sometimes they think they are "clever" and they want to play TANK! from the anime series "Cowboy Bebop" but we already know that has been done so many times, find a much catchier jazz song to play, thanks. You are watching this wondering what was their idea of "Band Camp" - I assume it involved getting buzzcuts, push-ups and being able to stab a guy with a Cello Bow.

But I am not scared of these band geeks - because they obviously never had to deal with the social workplace that is being actually on campus.

YOUR DEGREE SUCKS - English.

English

Oh English, a combination of "Reading and Writing" that is suppose to help people not be illiterate. It's a shame that English Majors are nothing more than pretentious assholes. Every major you can think of ass that "one asshole" who believes they are better than everyone else and knows the subject. However in English - Everyone in that major is that asshole.

You don't appreciate the works of Ernest Hemmingway or William Shakesphere YOU CAN JUST GO DIE NOW! However, I feel that English should be broken into two different majors - Writing and Literature. Because its one thing to be able to creative write a whole 4 page paper on "My Summer Vacation" - but its different when you have to analyze the entire "Da Vinci Code" in 4 pages and talk about the hidden messages that Dan Brown wrote in his book.

To me - Literature is the worst part of English. You already read books, magazines, blogs, you're reading this right now. But when you show up in an English Class, you are quizzed on how well you read the book.

POP QUIZ

1) Which of these writers did the writer not mention yet in this article?
a)William Shakesphere
b)Dan Brown
c)Ernest Hemmingway
d)J.K. Rawling

2) What is the writers key message in this article?
a)English is a great major
b)People need to study English
c)English should be broken into two subjects
d)English is a wasted major

3) How many pages long was the writers paper on "My Summer Vacation"?
a)3
b)4
c)5
d)6

Answers: DDB

How well did you score? Did you have to look up in order to answer some of those questions? If you did, you obviously are terrible at English and should not major in it. Did you somehow get all three questions correct without looking? You are a robot. I can't even remember what majors I wrote yet for this, and I know they are all terrible.

English is supposed to help people understand writing and literacy, and it has now ended up becoming "Write Essays on Books". When you end up with the English Major, you have a great job ahead working in a defunct Library. Possibly being an editor for a defunct newspaper or if you are really lucky - a secretary for a big business.

Now count the grammatical errors in this rant, because I won't change it.

YOUR DEGREE SUCKS - Psychology.

Psychology

Ask 10 Psychologists what "Psychology" means, and you will get 10 different answers. For the sake of ending the debate with my psychotherapist - I am just going to say it's "The Study of the Brain and How It Works". Others will give some bullshit like "Correct Thinking" or something to do with "Neurology" but that's for the people who think they are Brain Surgeons.

Psychologists come in two types - Insane or Crazy.

Insane Psychologists believe they are making a difference by studying Psychology. I know that a child's brain is less complex than that of an adult. I know that various experiments involving "Rewards" or "Punishments" will affect behavior of people. The question is besides Sadomasocists is there anybody else who finds pleasure in "punishing" somebody? Only The Psychologists. They are trying to figure out what is wrong with other people, but ultimately they want to know what is wrong with themselves. If you ask anybody to name a famous psychologist, more than likely you will hear "Sigmund Freud" - who was a well known for linking everything to sex, yet not having any for himself. So if you are an Insane Psychologist, I recommend writing a journal of all your days events and showcase it on the internet for the entire world too see. So you can get conclusive evidence that the world really is out to get you.

Crazy Psychologists are more of a child in terms of Psychologists. Instead of testing, they bother you with crazy inane questions in order to get a response. These are the people who keep asking "How Does That Make You Feel?" as well as write countless self-help books about your life. Although 4 out of 5 books come from people not even qualified to take the Admissions Test to get into college - the Psychologist is always the odd one out, and always has the least useful ideas. EAT BREAKFAST, SLEEP EARLY. It feels like I am taking Standardized Testing all over again, only this time i paid $25 for it from a qualified Psychologist!

So you are sitting there in a Psychology Classroom, about to observe people outside of the classroom, making yourself look less like a Psychologist or even an Anthropologist and more of an asshole. What I would recommend is observing the observers of these people. It seems they are never fascinated with their study. Girls talk about Fashion and watch The Hills. Nerds talk about last night's episode of Heroes. Jocks talk about women and give Dating Advice to each other. It's not psychology - it's just gut instinct.

In Sociology, you basically treat the entire world like it's a fucking episode of Big Brother, which is pretty damn entertaining. In Psychology, you treat the entire world like it's inside a petri dish and you're looking through a microscope. Pretty. Damn. Boring.

Psychology fucks up your mind more than a Stanley Kubrick movie. The only solution is to either accept it, or treat it like it's a pseudo-science. If you are perusing a major in Psychology - How does that make you feel? Are you doing this because you are bored? Because your friends are doing it? Maybe it's because your parents are Psychotherapists and you want to be one too? My Hour is Up, I hope to see you next week. Please pay in full, we no longer accept American Express.

YOUR DEGREE SUCKS - Communications.

Communications

Formally known as Speech, Communications is the degree for people who love to talk and chat. While it certainly is not a difficult degree to earn, it is one of the toughest in terms of where to apply it too. Nearly everything related to this degree is supposed to be in the field of Public Speaking.

People have a bigger fear of Public Speaking than they do DEATH. This degree helps enforce that. A simplistic way of graduating as a communications major is remember these following things. First, we will know the audience. Second, we will do the research. And Finally, we will say "FUCK THEM!" to the said audience.

1. Know The Audience - The audience is where you will be speaking too, so make sure you know what sounds good to them. Failure to do so allows you to have a terrible speech, which in-turn makes your biggest fear a reality. Use remarks that would get them excited, talk about popular culture or something going on in the news that is not a tragic death or a national disaster.

2. Do the research - Although most public speeches are "Winged", the degree wants you to make your persuasive essay an actual speech. So according to this newspaper, you must put in facts if you want to have a strong argument. Public Speaking is maybe an easy degree, but its not easy to do. Bullshit Statistics never work, which is something 87% of speeches have. You will more than likely bullshit your way to a C.

3. Fuck Them! - Let's face it, most fears of public speaking are the same fears of not being "accepted" while in High School. The less you care about what other people think, the better off you are. But I am not your fucking Life Coach, I'm just telling you how simple this degree is if you take the time and effort to make it not suck.

If you understood that and you have mastered Logic, you could graduate in Communications. With this degree you could help use your new degree in persuasion, to persuade me to buy a timeshare. Or persuade me to change my cell phone plan from Verizon to AT&T. If you are wondering where most of the "frat guys" major in - it's communications. Look at the bright side, most "Party Schools" are proud of their Communications department, so if you are a part of one of them. Major in Communications and JOIN THE PARTY! What are you some sort of Lame-o-noid?

I hope that all fits on a notecard, allow me to point to this graph if I did not illustrate my point.